How is your Relationship with your Thoughts?
Is it Friend or Foe?
“Is there anything more terrifying than being alone with your thoughts?”
This was the question posed to many young people in a video I saw recently, all of whom answered ‘no’ with little hesitation.
Except one. His answer?
“Yeah um, bears, rapists and uh, people with uh, artillery weapons.”
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I’m going to assume it’s just a quirky exaggeration for people who say their thoughts are terrifying, similar to “omg I’m so depressed”, or “I have such bad OCD lol”. However, there must be some truth to that statement for a number of people. Maybe not a terrified feeling, but a simple dislike of being alone with themselves. Their thoughts are so filled with negativity they have to spend every minute of their day stimulating their mind with something. Scrolling, watching, chatting - anything to keep their mind occupied.
You’ve put a band-aide on but haven’t stopped the bleeding. There’s no getting away from your thoughts, try as you might to shut off your inner voice - it’s a losing battle. That voice in your head will never permanently leave. It’s there to stay and it is yours to bear alone.
That is why it is crucial for us to have a positive relationship with our thoughts.
I’m someone who spends a lot of time in my head. As someone who lives alone and is slightly more introverted - I’m used to it. Fortunately, I am not afraid of being with my thoughts, in fact, I quite enjoy it. I not only explore interesting topics, but I also have a good time - I genuinely make myself laugh. If my thoughts were externalised, I would have no problem with them about 80% of the time.
I understand some people are the opposite. The majority of their internal dialogue is negative. Some thoughts - and no one is immune to them - can be cruel and critical. They’ll crowd their head with negativity about how they’re not good enough, not loved, or aren’t deserving. All this negative mental bandwidth can add up over time whereby the thinker ends up resenting themselves and who they have become.
I don’t have a catch-all solution for those who are inundated with these thoughts. I can only tell you what has worked for me. One piece of advice which I know to be universal is a healthy body = a healthy mind. Get your sleep, diet and exercise right. This is a non-negotiable starting point.
Apart from this, here are a couple of reframes I use to help myself regarding my personal thoughts.
Your Friend
If you spoke to a friend in the same way you spoke to yourself, would they continue to be your friend? If the answer is no, something needs to change. Why should you put up with such negativity just because these words are coming from an internal source?
Become your own best friend.
When you recognise you are being carried away with your negative thoughts, imagine those thoughts are instead being voiced to one of your closest friends. Picture yourself saying this to them. Picture their reaction and their deed-seated hatred towards you if you continued with your barrage of insults for years on end. They don’t deserve that, and neither do you. Treat yourself like you treat a friend.
Your Personal Coach
I sometimes say to myself while exercising, ‘that’s not good enough’. However, the intention is designed for development rather than degradation. ‘That’s not good enough, because I know you can do better’, instead of ‘that’s not good enough, so you shouldn’t bother trying’, or something to that effect. Be wary of the way you see your thoughts for it can have unwanted consequences. I can use my thoughts as a form of encouragement to push myself harder because I know I have it in me.
Your Mean Personal Coach
Take this negativity to the utmost extreme like the toughest man alive - David Goggins. He records negative and mean online comments and plays them on repeat as he exercises. He will sit and stare at his running shoes asking himself if he wants to be a bitch or not until he puts them on. If you can conjure up these negative thoughts to use to your advantage, then, by all means, do it. Use this negativity as fuel to prove yourself and your haters wrong. However, if you’re someone who can’t handle this negativity, then you’ll have to try a different approach.
Contentment
I’m almost never content with who I am, and I don’t want to be. If I am content and say I’m perfect, I have no reason to improve.
When I look at my belly in the mirror I have feelings of disgust. I use this negativity to make positive changes in my life, I lost close to 10kgs and am training harder than ever. I’ve changed my body composition quite a lot, but it’s something I’m working on.
My lack of contentment helps me change for the better. I’m using my own self-critique as a form of self-discipline. We should all be satisfied and proud of the things we have accomplished so far, but I do not believe we should be so happy with ourselves that we stop pushing for more. Beware of being content, because why be content when you can be better?
Your thoughts are the most powerful force you can inflict upon yourself. Your thoughts are not going anywhere so it’s up to you to know how to use them to your advantage.
My thoughts can be my personal coach or friend. What I will not put up, and you shouldn’t either, is having them as your enemy. Because nobody should have an enemy as their best friend.